Everybody Knows, Everybody Knows..

“Everybody knows where we’re going. Yeah, we’re going down.”

I hate fights. I also hate the weird organic thing inside of me that makes me think there is a fight where there isn’t. Also, quite honestly, I despise the places that brew up inside of my brain that make me think there are pockets of unhappiness. I’m usually completely wrong, but my paranoia almost breeds arguments and irritation. It’s hard to shake that feeling though and should you ever learn? What if you blissfully wander through a relationship ignoring that useless organ? What about when it’s important and you’re not on the ball for it?

It’s well known that my intuition, when aimed outward, is rarely wrong. I’ve said.. “I told you so.” so many damn times that the worry wrinkles are etched along my browline. Honestly, I’m used to being on the mark when other people are concerned. However, I think that a cancerous tumor has built up on that organ that throws off the chemicals and now sometimes I see issues where there are none. My brain tries to convince me that I’m right though and in that, the little kicked-up voices start whispering to me that maybe it’s this or maybe it’s that. Maybe I’m missing SOMETHING that could possibly hinder my bed of roses and I’m just not seeing it, you know?

That’s when the questioning starts and I’m using my finger to prod through the mass, trying to get it to stop making me worry when I keep hearing “Everything is fine.” and then? What happens? I irritate it. I make a problem where none had lived previously and then I’m moody and they’re moody and it’s a whole big thing.

What do you do in that situation? Step away? That makes the other party want to know what in the hell is wrong with you. And when they ask, what do you even say in response? “I have a relationship tumor and it’s actin’ up something fierce today.”? I doubt that works. Then, they want to do something and you’re still nursing that killer case of paranoia and it’s muddling everything around you — you can think of nothing but that?

Is that when I introduce medication into the whirlpool? At what point does the itch go away? Maybe it’s an anticipatory dread because you never want to lose sight of the person you adore and their needs and requirements. The thing is, doesn’t it mess up the clockworks when your needless suspicions are the ones fucking that up in the first place?

Complicated. It’s all very complicated and it seems you can’t just find a card on the shelf that says.. “Sorry, I’m neurotic and hopelessly in love with you.”.

The Birth of an Article: How My Brain “Happens”.

And we bring you to a geeky conversation already in progress…

Trina: definitely. kindof what eve is trying to do

Candice: Yeah, but I tried EVE. I have an ex-boyfriend who is just.. enamored with that game. There’s no social aspect to it though. It’s a simulation built for people who hate people.

Candice: “I hate people but love spaceships and mining rocks. What is there for ME?”

Candice: “Have you tried EVE?”

Candice: I also checked out Free Realms, which is pretty adorable.

Trina: i like it too. i call it mmo lite

Candice: It’s like WoW for people with low attention spans.

Candice: Yeah!

Candice: “You must go to the Caverns of Time and pluck Goofyberries from this tree.”

Candice: “But.. I’m too tired to press my arrow button. -whines-”

Candice: “Oh! We’ll take you there!! You just catch a nap.”

Candice: Then you get there, play the bastard child of Bejeweled for a little bit until it tells you that you’ve sucked all the life out of that mini-game and then you click a button. Then, like God is blowing the wind at your back — you’re running back to your Questgiver.

Candice: I love the game, but have we just fucked ourselves so much up as a society where we’re even too lazy to press an arrow-key to.. PRETEND to run?

Trina: hahahaha

Candice: That’s ONE finger. One finger with like, what, two smaller muscles that are connected to two bones? We’re exhausted doing that, yet we have legs with so many bones and muscles honed to WALK.

Candice: Free Realms is the cupcake-pushing, stretch-pants-selling enabler of childhood obesity.

Trina: haha it is! that’s true.

Trina: i can’t figure out when to work out, but I’ll play a game for three hours

Candice: IKNOW! It’s like.. The Sims! I enjoy the hell out of that game and think it’s a great simulation — but when I start wearing Poise Pads because *I* can’t remember when to go to the bathroom but this little gummy version of me has gone twelve times?

Candice: Something has to give.

Trina: HAHAHA (She does this a lot. Another reason why I love Trina. — Editor’s Note.)

Candice: I think games like Wii Fit and all that are so great, because they’re promoting actual fitness and movement to people who are gamers. I just think it’s become sad that we have to be tricked by graphics, avatars and achievements to move our asses anywhere anymore.

Candice: And that’s not to say I’m not one of them either!

Trina: it’s all about motivators

Candice: Hell, I need sparkly lights, music and trophies to push myself out of bed some days. “Waking Up – 35gp”

Candice: “FUCKYEAH!”

Candice: Then my Raptr goes off, lets everyone know I woke up and I can move onto my next achievement: “Eating Five Eggs and Watching Conan on Hulu – 40gp”.

Trina: HAHAHAHA

Trina: omg that’s hilarious

Trina: although if I work out at 6am I think the world should know

Trina: lol

Candice: I want it to be mindblowingly honest though when my internal Raptr notifications go off. “Napped for 45 Minutes Because She Walked Too Fast Down the Hallway – 20gp and an Avatar Trophy.” and the avatar trophy is a cholesterol counter and a Red Bull.

Trina: haha

Trina: a pedometer avatar item

Candice: A pint of Ben and Jerry’s with their new “Sad Asshole” flavor.

Candice: I would so let my Xbox avatar rock that.

Candice: Just a robe, bunny slippers, messy hair and a cup of ice cream.

Trina: HAHAHA

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how my ideas start in my head.

Eight Years of Perfect :

So, it’s Black Friday. Well, for one more hour. Waking up with the Monkey-girl, we cuddled for what seemed like forever. Despite a rather disturbing sinus infection.. she kept such chipper optimism about spending time together. That is always one thing that I will never grow tired of and that’s my child loving me with such feverish loyalty. Playful as always, yet she’s demanding in her need for time with me. She doesn’t mask it with bad behavior that is meant to be attention seeking, she just.. asks.

This evening, after dinner was said and done and we were curled up in bed playing 1 Vs. 100 together — she decided to claim some time with just me. Not me and whoever else was on that headset, not myself and whomever I was tapping away with at the keyboard. Just me. So, I excused myself from the audible company and asked her what she’d like us to do and then we spent time just curled up against each other, playing board games on the Xbox. The thing was, I didn’t remember how to play one of the ones she DID know how to play and so she taught me. The way she taught me was so gentle and coaxing, cheering me on when I’d make a move and get it right. When she’d have the chance to easily trump my piece and take me out? She did everything but take me down just so she could look up and say.. “No, I’m not going to do that because you’re still learning and you’re doing well.” and then it was right back into mushy snuggling.

Together, we played “Sorry” and then “Scrabble” and by the end of it.. it was just one saccharine sweet thing after the other. When she saw someone give an eskimo kiss on television, she asked why that happened and where it came from. So, I explained that due to the parkas that eskimos would wear, they couldn’t give ACTUAL kisses. So, they’d rub noses and that was their version of a kiss. This tickled her and so for five minutes we traded eskimo kisses before she inquired about kissing in general. How did it happen, where did it start and where did the term come from? I scrunched my nose and both of our eyes moved to the laptop before she nodded and goes.. “You should Wikipedia it.” and then we sat and read aloud the entire Wikipedia page on “Kissing”.

Once all that was finished, she was properly put to bed and given some of those kisses we read about and I realized.. she’s only eight years old. Eight years, almost nine and she really is something I can be extremely proud of.

And.. yeah, in case you were wondering?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kiss

Social Misunderstandings and the <3:

I know, before you say anything.. I know I haven’t been around these parts in awhile. I’m sorry about that. I guess I was just too busy with every other hobby, that writing for no other pointed reason but for myself? Seemed kinda dumb. However, I’m starting to realize the reason for this thing again and now that I can’t really vent AT people for fear of their raised brow: this needs to happen.

I’ve always been a very social person. I was raised by both my Mother and my Great-Grandmother, who were always very good at talking to people and giving the most of a listening ear as possible to anyone who had something to say. I also learned early on how to engage others when talking and to really get the most out of meeting new people. Most of my friends would say that if there was ever a social butterfly in our group, it’d be me.

And yet, with all of that being said — I seem to find the most wallflower-esque people to date. I never seem to find people who are as equally shining as brightly as me. No, I always find the people ducking for cover or just too shy and insecure to speak.. or, simply? They don’t give a fuck to know others. The types that feel their lives will not further be enriched by expanding outside of their small social circles and into more. Sometimes, for me, it’s not even about expanding a broad circle so much as hearing a story that someone has to tell. Finding out something, connecting with another human being — if even for a second — can sometimes brighten my day.

I have spent a lot of my years.. making attempts at being nice and secretly being nice to people in fear my significant others would frown upon the act. I’ve spent a lot of time dating people who looked down on me for my more carefree of idiosyncratic behaviors and it was never fun. In fact, if I may be so bold: It just fucking sucked. Most of them felt threatened by it, they thought that I was just weeding through tons of people who could potentially become a future mate. They felt that I felt THEY were stupid because I wanted other friends. It could’ve been a simple.. “I don’t like your friends.” situation or it could’ve been any multitude of shitty excuses for being poor at human interaction. The point of the matter was quite honest though: They have terrible people skills.

As I see it, you cannot appreciate something until you have none of it. You cannot want something unless you’ve seen the good that can come of it and you don’t want it removed from your life. Maybe they’ve never been good at it and have never seen what it’s like to have people come to you to share things with. Stories, ideas, etc. Perhaps they’ve just never been raised to have that skill in their set that everyone needs… a proper standard of decorum and social grace. These things are easy. Really easy.

• Smile. Laugh. — Even if it’s feigned interest at first, you’d be shocked to see how fast your brain follows suit and becomes interest in these other people as well. Training yourself to give a fuck is way easier than Doctors, Psychiatrists and your Mom made you think. If you always give people a second of amusement or politeness… your brain will just do it on it’s own.
• THINK before you SPEAK. — Important. If you think about the outcomes of your statement before you say it, you can avoid being so goddamned awkward when someone asks you what you think of their new shirt. Have constructive statements instead of negative ones unless the people you know are aware enough of your level of “truthiness”.
• Ration Out Your Emotions. — When meeting people and sharing things, don’t lay it all out on the table immediately. People will tend to take on your emotions and feelings the more you share with them and that can overwhelm even the strongest person. Be considerate and level everything you vent with out with asking them about THEIR day or THEIR rough situation.
• Sometimes You Have to GIVE a Little. — Sure, you hate sitting around talking to people when you can think of five-thousand things to do that are alone and much more interesting. However, showing people that you value the time THEY spend with you will improve solidarity. People want to think they’re important and they’ll give you just as much back if they think you’re in it for them.

They’re very simple little steps. So simple. However, I couldn’t live without them in any of the work I’ve done or with the people I’ve met. In the beginning, all of this seems contrived but it becomes second nature. You start to realize that when you open yourself up to other people… there is SO much to learn. People are valuable because everyone has SOMETHING you can learn from. Whether it’s something trivial that you think you won’t need now, but maybe down the road — or if it’s something they’ve learned through this torrid world-spinning life of theirs and you can set it into your everyday life.

Maybe it’d be nice to get to know one once in awhile, yeah?

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Writing from the Past:

I found something left behind in an old journal of mine and I figured I’d post it. It’s interesting to see how my writing has progressed or changed in the past few years. I think around this time.. I was dating Justin. Who, sadly.. died that same year. If I recall right, this was actually about the connection we had and just how much I loved the silly man. He was fascinating and a true hero of mine.. as he seemed to push me ever since I met him – to do everything I’ve ever wanted to do.

–

When We Were Quiet //

I didn’t know how to walk without forefingers entangled.
Without the necessity of his fingerprints meshed to my own, I had no idea where to go.
I recall the day I met him and just how deep we stared at each other,
and how his eyes held the inky depth that only angels saw past.

There are things I couldn’t tell him without staying silent.
It was whispers locked away in the words I didn’t say..
And I always found the best times were when we were quiet.
The connected tissue between our bodies at the end of our day.

I remembered how cruel the silences were yet enticing with every baited breath,
We didn’t know each other well enough to know which boundaries had barbed wire fences..
And I don’t think anyone will grip onto the thorns as easily as we did for one another.
It’s times like these where you understand the validity of adoration at first sight,
and the undeniable honesty that you sense when lips crash to lips and smother your grinning mouth.

2/12/03

Candice and Monkey’s Lazy Sunday:

Saturday was a day. Busy. Too busy, really. However, I owed it to the Monkeygirl that we’d spend some good time together. Laying in bed, after she got out of Church and watching “Drop Dead Fred”. We played some video games, while I talked with the fellas on IRC and relaxed. It was nice, you know? I never get to give my monkey pure and untouched time anymore because of how busy I’ve been. It seems like every moment of my day is checking an email, answering a call or doing something that bottles up my attention.

Can’t have that.

Thankfully, she knows that I mean well and so whenever we get time together.. it’s priceless. Snuggling and gaming, giggling and talking about stuff we’re going to do and how excited we are to go to Florida and see Alan and do Disneyworld. We made little plans for the week and and even though I had a headache.. I got a shower and we get to watch a movie together tonight too.

I need to, for my sake and for the girl, remember to take time away for us. We’re the most important people we’ve got right now and I can’t let her lose touch of that. What a good day for that, you know?

Night, World.

Gnats and the Human Condition:

So, I know where people fit in my life. I have those curious little gnats and problematic dramas from other avenues — but they’re gone. Lofted away with a quick movement of my hand. I can’t say though that once in awhile.. the bites don’t hurt. I have my darlings and the people who sit at my side and watch as the gnats buzz about, but even they don’t understand why I haven’t gotten used to it. Some people build up a tolerance to toxins, I guess. Some of us, well.. we never do.

Thing of it is, I’m content. Sure, I’ll scratch my arms and bitch for a few minutes about how they keep biting me.. but then, like a child, I move to the next thing. Some of these things used to mean more to me and if not for my life being on a constant push forward.. they’d probably weigh me down. I just ask that you stop biting me and worry about the next place you’ll fly to. Gnats have a short life span and you shouldn’t spend all of it biting on me.

I’m disinterested in giving them a lot of thought, but every once in awhile I find myself pondering why I’m so tempting. Is it that I have good responses? It’s fun to see me whine and scratch? What is it about me that makes you creatures thrive on the taste I provide you? Whatever it is, I wish I could make it go away and then we could all quietly live our lives amongst picnics and night-time strolls. The reminder of gnats and their bites wouldn’t wander into my absent thoughts and I could just be happy. Just happy, yeah? Is that so much to ask?

Perhaps one day I’ll not feel the bite and the itch anymore. That’d be nice.

Clocktower Vs. Jamie: The Ultimate Mashup

Oh no! Run!

“Is his heart still beating?”

I seriously feel like I’m constantly playing this game of Clocktower. Thing is, instead of a scary midget with hedge-clippers.. I get to deal with Jamie. Picture it though, like.. wandering room to room and kind of getting a feel for the house and then you open one door and see him. ACK! Is he scary? No, not on outward appearances or initial meetings.. but it’s the kind of feeling I get. Where my heart leaps into my throat and I back up, scrambling to slam the door and leave him in that room. However, he always finds his way out and even though I’m running down the hallways and tearing around the corners, he somehow finds a way to sneak up on me.

I get downstairs, yes.. the “figurative” stairs and I find Alan. He’s like.. “Here’s a flashlight and some holy water. It’ll be okay.” and he gives me a map. The map details out how to avoid the Brit, since I’ve demanded a map now. Before, I wanted to take the Brit head-on and maybe even try to befriend him.. but like most creatures of his nature, they cannot be befriended. This time, Alan and Christy just kind of detail places to avoid and even signal me on the radio whenever I start to feel my resistence waning.

Yeah, my past love-life is kind of like a survival horror game. Thing is, I can’t press pause.. and I can’t save. What do I wish would happen? One of those cool scenarios where I’d somehow find the enemy, I could convince him to come to my side and he, Alan and Christy would protect me from future onslaughts from anything else that might stalk my hallways. Perfect world, right?

Time to go restock up on my holy water and find a locker to hide in until the next rush is over. Guys, let me know when the suspenseful music goes away, alright?

Candice Shane is.. Delerious:

Delerious. Me. So fucking tired.. that I feel almost punch-drunk. 

Candice need sleepy. Graveyard shift. Tired. Need sleep nao. Now.