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Writing from the Past:

I found something left behind in an old journal of mine and I figured I’d post it. It’s interesting to see how my writing has progressed or changed in the past few years. I think around this time.. I was dating Justin. Who, sadly.. died that same year. If I recall right, this was actually about the connection we had and just how much I loved the silly man. He was fascinating and a true hero of mine.. as he seemed to push me ever since I met him – to do everything I’ve ever wanted to do.

–

When We Were Quiet //

I didn’t know how to walk without forefingers entangled.
Without the necessity of his fingerprints meshed to my own, I had no idea where to go.
I recall the day I met him and just how deep we stared at each other,
and how his eyes held the inky depth that only angels saw past.

There are things I couldn’t tell him without staying silent.
It was whispers locked away in the words I didn’t say..
And I always found the best times were when we were quiet.
The connected tissue between our bodies at the end of our day.

I remembered how cruel the silences were yet enticing with every baited breath,
We didn’t know each other well enough to know which boundaries had barbed wire fences..
And I don’t think anyone will grip onto the thorns as easily as we did for one another.
It’s times like these where you understand the validity of adoration at first sight,
and the undeniable honesty that you sense when lips crash to lips and smother your grinning mouth.

2/12/03

Candice and Monkey’s Lazy Sunday:

Saturday was a day. Busy. Too busy, really. However, I owed it to the Monkeygirl that we’d spend some good time together. Laying in bed, after she got out of Church and watching “Drop Dead Fred”. We played some video games, while I talked with the fellas on IRC and relaxed. It was nice, you know? I never get to give my monkey pure and untouched time anymore because of how busy I’ve been. It seems like every moment of my day is checking an email, answering a call or doing something that bottles up my attention.

Can’t have that.

Thankfully, she knows that I mean well and so whenever we get time together.. it’s priceless. Snuggling and gaming, giggling and talking about stuff we’re going to do and how excited we are to go to Florida and see Alan and do Disneyworld. We made little plans for the week and and even though I had a headache.. I got a shower and we get to watch a movie together tonight too.

I need to, for my sake and for the girl, remember to take time away for us. We’re the most important people we’ve got right now and I can’t let her lose touch of that. What a good day for that, you know?

Night, World.

Gnats and the Human Condition:

So, I know where people fit in my life. I have those curious little gnats and problematic dramas from other avenues — but they’re gone. Lofted away with a quick movement of my hand. I can’t say though that once in awhile.. the bites don’t hurt. I have my darlings and the people who sit at my side and watch as the gnats buzz about, but even they don’t understand why I haven’t gotten used to it. Some people build up a tolerance to toxins, I guess. Some of us, well.. we never do.

Thing of it is, I’m content. Sure, I’ll scratch my arms and bitch for a few minutes about how they keep biting me.. but then, like a child, I move to the next thing. Some of these things used to mean more to me and if not for my life being on a constant push forward.. they’d probably weigh me down. I just ask that you stop biting me and worry about the next place you’ll fly to. Gnats have a short life span and you shouldn’t spend all of it biting on me.

I’m disinterested in giving them a lot of thought, but every once in awhile I find myself pondering why I’m so tempting. Is it that I have good responses? It’s fun to see me whine and scratch? What is it about me that makes you creatures thrive on the taste I provide you? Whatever it is, I wish I could make it go away and then we could all quietly live our lives amongst picnics and night-time strolls. The reminder of gnats and their bites wouldn’t wander into my absent thoughts and I could just be happy. Just happy, yeah? Is that so much to ask?

Perhaps one day I’ll not feel the bite and the itch anymore. That’d be nice.

Clocktower Vs. Jamie: The Ultimate Mashup

Oh no! Run!

“Is his heart still beating?”

I seriously feel like I’m constantly playing this game of Clocktower. Thing is, instead of a scary midget with hedge-clippers.. I get to deal with Jamie. Picture it though, like.. wandering room to room and kind of getting a feel for the house and then you open one door and see him. ACK! Is he scary? No, not on outward appearances or initial meetings.. but it’s the kind of feeling I get. Where my heart leaps into my throat and I back up, scrambling to slam the door and leave him in that room. However, he always finds his way out and even though I’m running down the hallways and tearing around the corners, he somehow finds a way to sneak up on me.

I get downstairs, yes.. the “figurative” stairs and I find Alan. He’s like.. “Here’s a flashlight and some holy water. It’ll be okay.” and he gives me a map. The map details out how to avoid the Brit, since I’ve demanded a map now. Before, I wanted to take the Brit head-on and maybe even try to befriend him.. but like most creatures of his nature, they cannot be befriended. This time, Alan and Christy just kind of detail places to avoid and even signal me on the radio whenever I start to feel my resistence waning.

Yeah, my past love-life is kind of like a survival horror game. Thing is, I can’t press pause.. and I can’t save. What do I wish would happen? One of those cool scenarios where I’d somehow find the enemy, I could convince him to come to my side and he, Alan and Christy would protect me from future onslaughts from anything else that might stalk my hallways. Perfect world, right?

Time to go restock up on my holy water and find a locker to hide in until the next rush is over. Guys, let me know when the suspenseful music goes away, alright?

Candice Shane is.. Delerious:

Delerious. Me. So fucking tired.. that I feel almost punch-drunk. 

Candice need sleepy. Graveyard shift. Tired. Need sleep nao. Now.

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Return to Reno Tahoe International / End of E3:

I know I didn’t post whatsoever during my trip, but I really meant to. I did. I swear. Just been really tired and trying to recover from the hell that was the airport layover-hotelstay-airport standby situation. It was nuts, let me add. So, for the past two days.. I’ve been trying to decompress and get everything in perspective.  I liked the fact I had my own little mini-team to work with this year during E3 and really rock it all out, but now it’s a matter of trying to get the ducks in a row and with very little control over said ducks.. it’s proving frustrating.

Not sure how I feel about that.

Anyways, so I’m sitting here and trying to keep myself from falling over and sleeping more.. decipher the issues with the CMS for GirlGamer & then maybe play some games. I’m having a lot of fun with the demo for inFAMOUS, but even more fun sitting around talking with the new people I’ve met and friends I’ve made. It’s a bit surreal though, I have to admit, even though I’ve been doing this for awhile now. Everytime I return from E3, there’s something new I’ve done or experienced and it brings that humbled feeling back.

I really am very, very lucky.

Rebottaro to the Rescue!

I had changed up my design here on my blog since it was in dire needs. I wanted something simple and a bit more streamlined without being so dark. SO, I got rid all that green and black and since Adam finally cleaned up and colored the picture he drew of me (And my creepy admirers/stalkers.), I decided it would be PERFECT right here.

Check out the main picture and go by Adam’s Deviant Art page sometime and give it a look over. He’s such a brilliant guy, you can’t help but spend forever looking at his stuff.

Adam’s “A Dae in the Life” drawing.

Thanks again, lovey. You’re so much awesome that when your nose runs, it’s just your body’s way of getting rid of the excess kickass.

The Neon Lights Have Got It All:

Song @ The Moment: “Man Fading” by Kenna

I have maybe two whole days left here at home before I’m leaving on a jetplane for Los Angeles. I’m tired. Exhausted even. To the point where I’m spreading my fingers over my brain in overcontemplation and trying to massage the thoughts out of it. When you’re so tired and worn down that you start to wonder how you ever got through these last weeks of preparation without prescription medication and/or illegal street drugs.. you know it’s bad, right?

I just need to really stay adamant about going to bed early. I don’t care if it takes warm milk, Tylenol PM or a hammer striking on the back of my skull – it needs to happen. Sleep will commence before someone dies; either myself or some poor innocent bystander.

“I need to be brilliant, electric.
I wanted to be natural; this life should be fantastic.
Let’s start a revolution, a true revolution.
I haven’t felt the same, since I arrived.. I haven’t slept a wink.
I’m just a man fading.. I’ve been a little bit jaded.
Everyone wants to get on; the neon lights have got it all.”